Wait: Chapter #3

3 - At First Touch

Eun opened his eyes, blinking slowly as he sat up on the couch. He looked down at his lap, seeing Marian sleeping with her head on his leg and her body curled up next to him. When had they fallen asleep? He looked at the tv, seeing the fifth Suspicious movie now playing. It had to be two in the morning at the earliest.
He checked his watch, seeing the glow in the dark hands pointing to three thirty. “Fuck.” He said quietly, knowing the rest of the groceries would need to be replaced.
Staring into her sleeping face, he debated moving. He touched her cheek with his thumb, pushing her hair behind her ear as her lips parted. As her eyes fluttered, he pulled away, not wanting to disturb her.
He leaned back on the couch and held her close in silence. Unparalleled joy gripped his heart as he savoured the quiet moment. To sit in peace with her brought greater ease to his mind than he had had in weeks.
As twenty minutes passed, his bladder begged him to move.
He carefully slipped from underneath her, trying his best not to wake her up from his movements. Successfully escaping, he walked around the room turning out the lights he had left on, and went to relieve himself.
Returning to the couch, he scooped her up, bringing her into his arms as he walked towards his bedroom. He pushed the cracked door open with his foot, carrying her with ease. Although she was heavier than she looked.
He flipped the covers, placing her underneath them. He took another moment, looking at the peacefulness in her face. His lips ached to kiss the corner of hers.
Marian opened her eyes, feeling subconsciously that the environment was different. Not lifting her head, she looked up to see him staring down at her. “EJ?”
“Go back to sleep Mari.” He said as he stood, ashamed that he had been caught. But as her hand threaded through his, he stopped his leaving. Her eyelashes fanned as she sat up and blinked through her sleepy haze, her brown eyes softened as they poured over him.
“Do you really not remember?” She asked sleepily, feeling his thick wrist as she continued to touch him. She felt his warm fingers as she smoothed her hand over his, keeping him from continuing to turn away. She made peace with the idea of him saying he didn’t, and tried to believe that she could remain happy if they remained friends.
Her sweet gaze pleaded for his honesty.
Every part of him knew kissing her had been a mistake, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it - about her. It had been easier when he could only imagine. But now he knew, and he would continue his streak as a liar if he said he didn’t want more. He sat on the edge of the bed, breaking their hands as he tried to clear his mind. “I remember.” He forced himself to tell the truth, not looking at her as he gave her what she desired.
Knowing that he was warring with himself, she came closer, touching his chest as she sat beside him. This time, she was prepared. She lazily dragged her finger tips up his neck, turning his face to hers as she graced the ends of his silky hair. She stilled her movements as their eyes attached, the moon pouring in from the windows, lighting their eyes as the space between them grew thick.
He raised an arm between them, tucking her hair behind her ear as she looked up to him. He bent his head to hers, their foreheads touching just as they had done before. He lifted her chin with his grip, helping her lips meet his own and she sighed against him. Her hands burned his body in every place they touched, feeling them grip the front of his hoodie as she brought him closer, their bodies leaning back towards the pillows.
They didn’t break away as he laid his body on top of hers, her fingers slipping under his hoodie, feeling the bare skin of his abdomen. She palmed his chest, feeling the softness of his warm skin. He moved his lips to her neck, his teeth marking her flesh, trailing his tongue over the bruises he was forming from his pain inflicted love.
As her nails dug into his chest, she moaned, feeling his intensity increasing. His hands felt her breasts over her dress as she clung her thighs to his hips. “Eun…” She called as his wet kisses sent shivers to her toes, her body growing too hot from his passion.
He didn’t care if he would have to beg for forgiveness when they were done, as long as he got her to speak his name just that way again. He lifted his body, pulling his hoodie and shirt off in one tug, over his head as she stared up at him. His sweet Mari. Her hair against his pillows, as her smell surrounded him; fresh confections.
He watched her shy hands slowly tug up her dress, revealing her body to him. He attempted not to drool on her as he saw the red silk bra and panties on her petite body. Her mound was perfectly visible through the panties, her nipples strained against the plunging bra. When had she gotten so beautiful? He stopped moving, awestruck as he drank her in.
Sensing his hesitation, she took his hands from his sides and led them to her body as she lay beneath him. As the pads of his fingers felt under her breasts she felt her lips part, a small gasp sneaking away from her lungs. She needed him, not wanting him to stop and back away.
He took control once more, reaching behind her as he undid her bra in a snap. He pulled it away from her shoulders, letting the fabric cling to her as he took his time revealing her breasts to himself. As the silk brushed against her nipples, she squirmed, her excitement building. Her dark brown nipples were just what he had imagined.
She felt her face warm as he began to dip his head, his breath leading in front of his lips as he hovered over one. As his tongue swiped out, brushing against her painfully erect peaks she whimpered, arching her back into his mouth. She held his head, her fingers caressing his roots as his tastes became aggressive, placing his lips around them greedily.
He held her back as he sucked gently, her whimpers causing his cock to strain in his pants. He buried his nose in the softness of her breast, slowly moving his knuckles down her stomach and into her panties as she moved beneath him. He nipped her as he felt her hairless pussy, her buttery smooth skin breaking out in goosebumps as he entered her lips.
“No, EJ…” She moaned as his fingers slid down her soaked slit. She wasn’t ready to feel him touch her there, knowing it would become a satisfaction she would grow addicted to. She heard him groan as he rubbed her clit with his cream covered digits. She cried as she felt she would burst, her satisfaction too overwhelming as his skin touched hers for the first time.
He felt her seeping between his fingers, her clit coated in her nectar. “You’re fucking soaked Mari…” He said to her in one breath, unbelieving that she was so wet already. She had thought about this as much as he had. About how he would feel between her thighs, giving himself to her. He hadn’t been the only one tortured night after night, fantasies on repeat of them succumbing to their taboo.
She tried to squeeze her legs together as he played with her pussy, feeling herself throbbing as he experienced her. She closed her eyes, feeling his lips against her neck once more, his tongue licking the sweat from her as she pulsed against him. She covered her mouth with her fist, not wanting to release any cries as he pleasured her, self conscious that they wouldn’t sound the way he wanted them to.
She ground her mound against his hand, his finger dipping into her tight entrance as she panted. She felt her slickness with every movement he made, his fingers effortlessly gliding back and forth from her clit to her opening.
She felt her heart stopping and starting sporadically, her breath coming out raggedly as she shut her eyes tighter, gripping his skin as she felt herself coming. She quieted her gasps, breathy cries escaping from her mouth as he sped up his fingers, spinning her body into euphoria as he hungrily devoured her skin. “Are you coming for me?” He asked against her, not expecting her to answer as her legs bent closer to her hips.
Feeling her body growing light underneath him, she shook, unable to tell him yes. Yes, she was coming. Yes, it was for him. Yes, she was having the best orgasm she had ever experienced. And he hadn’t even removed her panties. She shuddered as he removed her fist from her lips, forcing her to cry out into the darkness as they crossed the lines of friendship.
He listened to her stacked moans, each one overlapping the last as she came on his fingers. He waited for her to descend before he took his hand from her quaking body, pulling down the band of his sweatpants, settling them beneath his hips, her cries quieting as she finished. He wrapped his palm around his length, stroking himself with her come. He could smell her sweetness, the warmth of her liquid sampling against the stiff veins of his member as he looked down at her.
He savoured the blush across her cheeks and nose, the haze of her orgasm causing her eyes to remain half lidded, her chest continuing to rise and fall as she caught her breath. He saw her grow shy as she covered her stomach and chest with her hands under his gaze.
Taking a breath, she hooked her thumbs into her underwear, pulling them away from her hips. She felt the warm, wet material clinging to her, reluctant to part. She looked at his cock, not surprised at his size. She had wondered if she was right about his measurements after feeling him against her, she was happy that she had been more than correct.
She opened her legs again, showing him the petals of her pussy as she slowly spread for him. She was surprising herself at her eagerness. But she had wanted this for much too long with only her dreams as stimulation. She wasn’t going to wait now that it was unfolding in front of her, even if it was her first time, and she was a little nervous. She would keep that to herself. As soon as he had her, she was sure that he would bend to her will.
He tried and failed to see reason as he saw her lips part, opening slowly as he saw her come dripping, her pussy glistening as she kept her eyes on him. He saw her smile, her beauty mark curling with her lips. Her sudden confidence caught him off guard. Was this the same girl he had grown alongside? It seemed as if she was coming alive before him, discovering a side to her in intimacy that he would have never met without.
She parted her legs further as he bent over her, his hand resting on the headboard above her as he placed himself at her entrance. He felt her lips graze the curve of his head, dripping her welcoming dew on his shaft as he rubbed himself against her. She breathed deeply as she felt him prod her, knowing pain would follow soon.
As he gripped her hip, dragging her body against his sheets closer to him, he pushed in, immediately breaking her wall. She gasped for air tears pricking her eyes as he stretched her.
He looked up at her in panic.
She was a virgin? Why hadn’t she said so? Why hadn’t he known? His heart broke as he heard her gasp in pain. Wishing he had been more gentle. He slowed, keeping his movements minimal as he held her hips. He took her teary face into his hand. "Do you want me to stop?"
She shook her head no.
She held onto the sheets as she tried to stop her crying. She squeezed her eyes shut as he kissed her lips, the pain quickly beginning to subside as he inched forward. As his hands laced through hers, he moved them by her head, resting beside her hair as he dipped his hips into her, her pussy almost too tight to move. “Mari…” He called to her, her lips open against his chin as she moaned.
She felt him filling her, her pussy wrapped around him as his breath licked her ears. She felt him thrusting forward, his grunts keeping her grounded as she fought the urge to thank him for his cock, his pleasure an extraordinary gift that she could never match. She felt his head pulling from her, submerging briefly past her lips as he gave her teasing strokes, relieving the pressure he was building. He released her hands, holding her close to his chest as he brought his lips to hers again, their kissing hurried and desperate as he sped up.
She ran her fingers along his scalp, feeling each strand between her fingers as they moaned together, the air scorching with their mixing temperatures. She felt her heart swelling, unbelieving that she was deserving enough to lay with him, her deepest fantasy, her closest friend. His laughter, his smile encouraged her, reminding her that the only person she had ever wanted to give her body to was taking pleasure in her, returning her bliss as he had her.
As he pulled his lips back, feeling her beginning to throb around him, he kept their noses touching. He thrusted into her, keeping her in his arm as he used the other to steady them against the shaking bed. Their sweating bodies tangled in his sheets as he tasted her tongue with his own.
He gave her everything he felt she desired, feeling his heart attached to her as he felt her own beating through her walls, pulsating around him as she soaked his shaft. He knew their relationship would forever be changed, but was clueless if it would change for the better. He kept her gaze as he pumped, each stroke followed by her whimpering. He groaned, spellbound. She felt too good, incomparable to those that had come before her. Was it because unlike the others, he loved–
“I love you, Eun.” She whispered to him, his nose brushing against hers as he stared at her deep in thought. She saw his eyes widen, knowing it had shaken him from his trance. But she couldn’t help herself, if she kept her secret for even a moment longer, not having admitted it to herself, she would succumb to its pressure.
He knew she did. Why hadn’t he been good enough to ignore it? He kissed her lips again, stopping her from repeating herself as she began to come, her body exhaling as she let loose a long cry. “Oh, fuck...” She drew out her cursing, his pumps interrupting her as their bodies merged. “Eun!” She screamed as she tripped over herself, her toes curling as electricity moved through her, his cock the epicentre of her pleasure as she peaked. She couldn’t part with her joy as tears fell from her eyes, her mouth watering as he kissed her neck, his tongue slipping saliva against the hickies he made.
He smelled her skin as she came around him, attempting to push him out as his cock began to throb. He groaned, beginning to feel his own orgasm in his abdomen. Recalling that he hadn’t worn a condom, he pulled out of her, and stroked his shaft up to his engorged head. He grunted as he released his come on her belly in long ropes, allowing each white drop to fall across her hazel stomach.
She unwound as his warmth splashed against her, landing on her skin in unique patterns.
He breathed heavily against her as her legs unclenched his hips, her body settling back into the mattress as they both panted. His mouth hung over hers, her hands finding his chest as their hearts descended. He kissed her lips, not able to pry himself from her.
She kissed him excitedly in their afterglow, trying her best to kiss him expertly as he did her. She tasted his soft tongue, relishing his hands on her misted flesh as she listened to him sigh; happy that he seemed satisfied with her.
He knew he wasn’t supposed to, he knew he had promised to keep her safe, preventing anyone from coming as close as he had. How would he explain it to Damon?
“Damon.” Eun said out loud, reminding himself, knowing he would be furious. He sat up, moving away from her as he realised the extent of his actions. He wouldn’t understand.
Marian smiled up at him, her brows arching with playfulness. “My brother’s name after sex, not exactly what I want to hear.” She looked up at him, sliding her hands down his face as his gaze turned serious, the warmth retreating quickly.
“That’s not funny Mari. We can’t do this.”
She sat up beneath him, resting on her elbows. “We already have? It’s not that big of a deal.” She reached out to try to touch him as he pulled back.
“Yes, it is.” He got up, pulling up his pants as he searched for his hoodie. “You’re his fucking sister. I wasn’t supposed to-” He cut himself off, the room beginning to close around him. He would lose the only family he felt that he had.
She tried to consider his feelings, knowing they were closer than brothers. He had a temper, but she was sure if they approached it correctly, telling him would be effortless. “I mean… he might get a little upset…”
He scoffed in disbelief, how could she be so naive about it? Did she not know the extent of his anger, his protection? “A little?!” He heard his voice boom, echoing throughout the quiet room.
She covered her body with the blanket as she sat up completely, suddenly feeling ashamed. “But I thought you wanted to be with me?” She looked at him as he seemed to be rushing away. Didn’t he realise what she had given him?
He saw her eyes welling up, hurt in her voice, knowing he was deepening the hole he was digging. “I do, fuck. Please don’t cry. I can’t take it when you fucking cry.” He sat down beside her in the bed, wiping the few tears that were beginning to spill. “Don’t…” He trailed as she tried to stop her tears.
“Is it because you’re with Tracy?” She asked sheepishly, feeling guilty for sleeping with him when he was unavailable.
“No, we’re not seeing each other any more. Please don’t be upset Mari, we just can’t do this. He’s not going to understand.” He tried to sound as genuine as possible, wanting to comfort her in her vulnerability. Knowing understanding would be furthest from his mind if he found out that they had laid together. He had been glad that Damon’s anger had not ever been directed towards him. Especially after their father passed. They were all they had.
She played with the ties of his hoodie, not wanting to admit that he was right. “We can keep it between you and I? He’s gone all the time, he won’t even notice. When he comes home, we can just stay apart?” She pleaded as she touched his chest, feeling his heart beating rapidly.
He wanted to go with it, the simplest of plans. It would prevent her from feeling used, and keep Damon in the dark. But would he be able to continue betraying him as he broke his promise? “I can’t… I’m sorry.”
Unable to keep his stare any longer, she moved away from him, uncovering her body from the tangled sheets dampened with sweat. Too angry and hurt to produce tears, she snatched her dress from the floor, walking briskly to the bathroom attached in the corner.
She caught her breath as she slammed the door, fighting tears as her frustration boiled over, her eyes pricking with damage. She touched her stomach, feeling her palm stick to her skin. She pulled it back slowly, examining it as his come slid down her belly, stretching between her flesh as it pulled apart.
She turned the sink on with her clean hand, bending over it as she ran her hand underneath the warm water. ‘I love you Eun.’ She squeezed her eyes shut, kicking herself mentally for having let it slip. Taking him, feeling his body inside of hers hadn’t been worth it, not like she had dreamed. The temporary pleasure was nothing compared to the lasting torture she was feeling on the edges of her heart, taking away her will to breathe.
She took a rag from the shower behind her, wetting it as the fabric came to life in her fingers, its colour deepening from the moisture. Leaving the water on, the steam beginning to coat the mirror above, she wrung out the rag, looking at herself in the mirror as she took the warm cloth against the drying substance on her soft skin. She wiped upwards against her belly button, feeling cold tears on her cheeks as the warmth of the water drifted up her stomach.
She rinsed the rag again as she finished cleaning herself slowly, her eyes fluttering closed as she tried to calm down. Looking around, she saw him. The cologne he wore, the toothpaste she could smell on his lips in the morning. The comb he used for his hair. The shower he used to wash his beautiful body. The towel he used to dry off with. She closed her eyes again, her heart thumping hard in her chest as she thought about his wet hands on her chest. She turned the sink off, dressing as she heard him moving on the other side of the door. Too much of him surrounded her, more than she could take knowing that what they had done had been nothing, and meant nothing to him. Who was she to think that she had been different?
She opened the door, seeing him now sitting facing her as he sat fully dressed on the bed. “Take me home.” She demanded as she left his bedroom, plucking her shoes from beside the couch as she slid them on.
He stood as he followed her, seeing her eyes sunken from lack of sleep. “It’s late, you can stay the night.” He said with no room for suggestion as he finished, watching her bend over to pull the back of her sandal over her foot.
She stood up, only looking over her shoulder briefly. “Now, EJ.” She said as she grabbed his car keys off of the island, opening his front door as she entered the hallway without him. Not turning to make sure he was following.
❀
Eun opened the door to her house, turning the key quietly as Marian stood impatiently beside him. As the door creaked open, she pushed in front of him, not allowing him time to remove the key. He watched as she stomped up the steps, hearing her door slam shut as he pulled the door closed behind him, locking it.
Hearing the air conditioning coming to life, he checked his watch, seeing that it was almost six o’clock. He briefly thought about cancelling his class, knowing he was in no mood to give direction. He sat on the couch in front of the decrepit television, admiring how much had gone on in its black reflection. How many Saturday mornings had he spent sitting in front of it, bonding over their favourite cartoons? How many times had he fallen asleep listening to infomercials in the early mornings, exhausted from the adventures they had during the day? Sixteen years worth. Not much had changed about the items in the house, each brown couch and black end table just the same as it always had been.
Minus one person enjoying its comforts.
He felt his eyes drifting closed, his arms crossing over his chest as he yawned. He closed his eyes, promising himself only a few minutes. Just until he worked up the energy to apologise.
“EJ?” He saw Marian’s lips curling with happiness as she smiled at him, the sun shining through her hair as the breeze pushed it along her shoulders. He watched his thumb glide along her mixed pink and brown lips, lingering over the mark above. His pale fingers chilled the warm tones of her hue. “I love you.”
“EJ?” Eun sat upright as he woke, seeing Vee above him. He clutched the blanket covering his shoulders, pulling it down as he tried to remember if he had placed it on himself. “Good morning, don’t you have class soon?” He checked his watch, his eyes bulging as he saw the time. Thirty minutes until ten, he shot up off the couch, wiping his eyes as he fumbled for his keys.
Having only just arrived home, Vee looked around with him spotting them on the hallway table. As Marian came down the stairs, stuffing a book into her large purse, Vee smiled evilly. She snuck closer to the table, slipping the keys off of it and into her jacket pocket.
“Are you ready to go mom?” Marian asked as she came closer, looking up from her purse, seeming unsurprised at Eun’s presence.
“I don’t know.” Vee lifted her hands, falsely looking around her as she pretended to look for Eun’s keys. “EJ lost his keys and he has class soon. I’d hate for him to be late. Why don’t you two take my car for class this morning, while I stay and look for his keys?”
Marian avoided looking at Eun, hearing him stutter as he contemplated.
He looked down at his clothes, knowing he had nowhere near enough time to drop her off and change.
Seeing him struggle, Marian spoke to him, not making eye contact. “You still have clothes upstairs, in the spare room. I don’t want to be late.”
Knowing she was right, Eun nodded his head, wasting no time as he went to the spare bedroom.
❀
Marian mindlessly scrolled through her phone as they sat in silence. She attempted to ignore Eun’s clean, spiced mint scent. His quick shower before they left had refreshed him, even after their restless night together.
She glanced at him as he pushed the long pieces of his wet black hair away from his face, his silver watch hand clattering against the chain bracelet that lied beneath it. The thin bridge of his white nose, the gently rounded tip above the divet above his pink upper lip. She wanted to place gentle kisses on his smooth clear skin, and feel his warmth against her lips.
She turned back to the window. He didn't deserve it.
Eun glanced at her scrolling through her phone as they sat in silence together. He understood her anger and felt that he deserved every ounce of hatred she brewed for him. But wasn’t it better this way? Allowing her to be upset for the good of their family? If this was supposed to be the best choice, why didn’t it feel right?
As his phone vibrated on the console between them, Marian looked down at the lit screen and saw his father's name appear. “It’s your dad.” She hovered a finger over it, waiting for him to say whether or not she should answer.
“Go ahead.” She heard him cough lightly clearing his throat as he sat up straighter behind the wheel. She began to slide her finger across it, looking at him closely as she hesitated, knowing how talks with his parents affected him. His old dark grey college sweater puffed around his arms, his watch tight to his white wrist as he his hands smoothed over the brown leather steering wheel. “Hello?”
She rested against the chair as she heard him switch to Korean. His parents were bilingual as he was, but had made it clear to Eun that they wished for him only to speak in their first language to them.
She bit her lip as she heard the odd pull to his voice that dragged his deep voice when he spoke Korean. His voice shook her chest, his low register brought comfort to her ears.
His father began to speak through the car's speaker, “When are you coming home to clear your bedroom? The renovation begins in two days. I’ve been asking you to come for weeks.”
Only understanding a few words, it was easy for her to gather that his father was unhappy from his tone. She considered herself conversational, only because she could understand when Eun spoke it slowly to her, and was capable of saying the most minute sentences back.
Eun groaned silently. The past two weeks had been distracting. He had completely forgotten. “I can be there tomorrow, I have to–”
“No. Be here today. If you had chosen to practise you wouldn’t be wasting time the way you are now. Doctors do not procrastinate this way.”
He bit his tongue as his father continued to rant. This speech always began the same way, with criticisms of the choices Eun had made, and ended with impressing on him how disappointed his parents were with him throwing away their hard work. They always knew just how to work his choice to become a teacher into every argument to shame him. He was too tired for this.
“Understood.” He said in parting as his father finished and hung up without saying goodbye.
She felt Eun’s anger rising in heat as they continued to sit in silence. She shifted in her seat, holding her arms as she rubbed her skin, the blast of the ac vents chilling her. Remembering that she hadn’t worn a bra, she looked down at her chest, seeing the fabric stretched across her stiff nipples. She lifted her arms higher.
Eun chose a parking spot in the visitors garage, putting the car in park in the relatively empty lot. She watched him get out, not turning the car off. She grabbed her purse from the backseat, sliding out as he opened the door for her. She lowered the hem of her yellow dress as it moved up her body against the car seat, her feet touching the ground in front of him.
Looking into his brown eyes for the first time since the night before, she saw the despair behind them and recognized the fear of failure that gripped him each and every time he was berated by people he loved.
Feeling suddenly guilty, she debated with herself. The hurt inside of her screamed that he deserved the pain for the way he had treated her. But her heart was shaking with need to comfort him as her love for him overpowered her mind. Was she being too hard on him? “I’m sorry your dad is being so–”
Eun interrupted. He couldn’t hear it from her, not now. Not from another person he had let down. “Have a good day at school, Marian.”
He saw her eyes harden again as he interrupted her attempt to be empathetic.
She narrowed her eyes, shaking her head as she gripped the handles of her bag. Why had she expected him to open up for once?
Ashamed that she had tried to comfort him, she walked away, not wanting him to see that he had hurt her yet again. She just wanted to be there for him. Why wouldn’t he let her?
Eun hung his head as he caught a glimpse of her heart continuing to break. The wind pushed through her straight hair as she turned away, carrying a soft sweet scent to him as she walked away.
He heard the euphonious tone of her voice in his ear from the night before, ‘I love you Eun.’ He looked after her as she continued to walk to class, reminded that only she had ever spoken this way to him. So filled with passion and need; the way she had shaken in his arms as she came to him, her brown skin covered in his sweat as their hips met over and over again to reach the ecstasy bubbling deep within them for each other. “Marian?” He called after her, knowing she would not look back.
After arriving at the university, Eun opened the door to his office, glad that they always had spare keys in Admissions. He moved quickly, collecting his laptop and notes as he swept through the room, unaware that he was being watched until knocking rang against the glossed wooden door.
He turned and saw Tracy as she sat red and blue books on his desk. “Hello Ms. Bak. What can I do for you?”
Tracy rolled her eyes at his formality, tasting her bitterness against the roof of her mouth. Were they just forgetting what had happened between them now? “Professor Turian wanted me to bring you these. And he said he owes you a bottle of moonshine. Whatever that means.” She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms on her chest.
Eun smiled at her, knowing what his tenured colleague meant. They had a continuous well meaning rivalry, and often made wagers based on class performance or trivia. It was his own fault, he needed to stop making bets with professors his senior. They always cheapened the rewards they had to relinquish when they realised that he was their equal, and in some cases their better. But he took no pride in it, knowing he only did his best to listen and learn as much as he could.
He saw the dejected look in her eyes. “Tracy. Wait.” She turned back to him slowly, folding her arms across her chest again as her pantsuit scrunched at her hips from her leaning. He had to make things right. And he had thoroughly wronged her. “Really, I apologise for the way things went between us. I should have been more honest about how I felt about…well, about…” He found himself stuttering. Had he ever said the way he felt for Marian out loud? Guilt warmed his face. No wonder she was so upset.
Shocked at his sincerity, Tracey stopped leaning. "About your best friend’s little sister?" Why was he acting so bashful? Not once had he apologised for his feelings, or even shown that he really felt them. He was overwhelmingly careful, never making moves he would need to utter an apology for. But being with Marian, seemed a risk far outside his reach. “Are you feeling alright?”
Eun nodded his head. The room fell unbearably hot. He gathered his mind. “Yeah, look. You definitely deserve better, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be that for you. I've had feelings for her for some time, and it wasn't fair to start something with you when I knew that. I just…I thought that if I ignored them, they would go away.” When they had started their relationship it had been fun, a whirlwind they had kept secret from their peers. Knowing that Tracy was technically an intern and not a student was no buffer.
His close relationship with her mentor had made it almost impossible for him to go without seeing her. He knew it was wrong to say, but it was absolutely the call of her body that brought him in. It was only after they got to know that she had a honeyed personality, and a heart three times larger than anyone else's.
He had thought being with Tracey would keep him from Marian like he had hoped. It hadn’t stopped him from fantasising about her, even if Tracy laid underneath him. A part of him had known she wouldn’t make him forget, but it hadn’t stopped him from trying, at the expense of her feelings. He was incredibly sorry.
She nodded silently. His apology not making it better, but giving her understanding. What had she done to not be enough for him? She had tried her hardest, always available when he called, learning what he liked, and didn't like, trying to be as perfect as he seemed.
If she thought on it carefully, she could see that he was right to end things. It was unhealthy to cling to a relationship that hadn't been equal from the beginning. “I really hope it works out for you.” She closed the door behind her, wishing it would have been her that got him to reconcile. But she knew in every way, it had been because of the way he felt for another.
After preparing for class Eun walked into the large lecture hall, seeing fewer students than there had been the week before. He knew it happened this way, as soon as the class began, he had warned them that little by little, the class would dwindle in size as the workload became heavier. Each time they gathered, he saw the effects, knowing it had nothing to do with him, having given them every opportunity for help in office hours and extra credit, and everything to do with personal will. As he looked into an empty seat, he imagined Marian there, studying diligently until he began. He knew that if each student had an ounce of her drive, her dedication, the hall would be filled.
“Good morning. Well, I had a pretty shitty morning, but good morning anyway.” He heard them laugh quietly as they opened their books. “Your test is two weeks from now, that’s only four sessions. We’re ahead so I want to see how much help you all need. Wow me and we can coast until then.”
He pulled a stack of papers from his laptop and sat them on the desk as they excitedly chattered. “But first, a quiz on last night's chapter.” He heard them groan in response, and smiled as he felt the rush he got from connecting with them. A rush he hoped he wouldn’t ever have to trade for his parents approval.
❀
Marian hummed as she listened to the alternative r&b wrapping around her as she walked towards the community college parking garage. She adjusted the small ear buds in her pierced ears, seeing other students passing by as she walked on the crowded sidewalk.
As they talked and laughed together, tossing footballs and sharing their phone screens she felt a twinge of loneliness. She missed having friends.
When her father passed she felt she had nothing to contribute to friendships, as if she sucked the joy out of the air every time she tried to pretend she was fine. She thought it would be better to be alone, but now, she wasn't sure. It would be nice to confide in someone other than her mother and to feel loved again.
She felt her phone buzz, interrupting the dulcet sounds as she looked at the screen. It was a message from Eun stating that he had arrived and was waiting for her where he had dropped her off that morning.
She sighed and closed her phone. Knowing that he was waiting made her want to walk slower. She wasn't sure she could handle more rejection from him today.
Marian kept walking and suddenly felt someone’s hand pull on her elbow. As they yanked her back, she felt her heart accelerating with fear. She audibly gasped as she pulled her arm back, turning to face them.
She fisted her house keys, prepared to defend herself if necessary. But as she came face to face with icy blue eyes, she calmed, pulling the ear buds from her ear slowly, trying to slow her heart. “Robbie, you really scared me.” She said hastily as she tried to communicate that grabbing was not the best way to get her attention.
She saw his lips beginning to move as he smiled deeply at her, unaware that he had done anything wrong.
Robbie put his hands in his pockets, “I didn’t know you went to school here?” He came closer as another student began to walk by.
Marian’s brow furrowed. "Yeah, I do. Don’t you?”
“No, I actually go to Lansley, but a book I needed was at the library here. It’s so funny that I keep running into you.” He tried hard to not appreciate her body in the yellow sundress, her small breasts pressed against the loose fabric and her hips flared with the waist of the short dress as the sheer hem circled her thighs. “You haven’t called yet.”
“Oh…” She said quietly as she registered his explanation and eyed his looming stance above her. Was he puffing his chest? Did he realise he was standing so close? She tried to take a step back to put some distance between them, but as he reached out, he lifted the strap of her purse that had fallen down her arm.
Put off by his sudden touches she shuddered to herself. “It’s only really been a day Robbie…”
“Yeah, but I thought we could do something when I got off of work last night. But if you’re free now, I know this great coffee shop a block from here that we can go to together.”
Beginning to feel odd towards him, she tried to think of an excuse. “I’m sorry, but my ride is waiting on me.”
“Your ride? You don’t drive?” He came closer as she took another step away from the pavement, backing her into a tree as she had no other way to escape.
“No, I…” She felt her back hit the bark as she looked up at the leaves, hearing the rustle above her. Not knowing if she was being picky or genuinely uninterested she tried her best to be polite. “My brother's best friend Eun tried to teach me because my mom is too afraid and my brother is gone so much, but it didn’t work out very well. So he’s here to pick me up.” She saw his eyes harden as he placed a hand by her head on the bark.
Robbie nodded his head slowly, trying to piece together what he could. “Are you two… a thing?”
“I’m sorry?” She asked for clarification as he breathed closer.
“Are you two dating? You spend a lot of time together.”
She shook her head, trying not to become flustered as he asked her. “No, we’ve just been friends since I was young. He’s like a brother to me.” As he began to smile, she felt relieved, thankful he was going to move past the subject.
Robbie felt his smile spread. “Good. Why don’t you call and tell him you’re going to hang out with me instead? I can drive you home after.”
She tucked her hair behind her ear, clinging to her purse as he began to speak lowly. But she didn’t feel her heart palpitating with affection as she did with Eun, she felt her stomach unsettled. Not in the joyous way it flipped when Eun came close. “No, Robbie. I should go. Maybe another time?”
“How about next Friday? We could go to the movies?” He was relentless.
She felt her phone beginning to buzz again in her hand, seeing Eun’s name come up again. She didn’t see the look of jealousy plaguing Robbie’s face as she seemed excited. “Can I give you a call later so we can talk about it? I really have to go.” She pleaded as he seemed to be pulling her closer.
He touched the side of her face, knowing she liked the way his fingers felt as he ran them down her neck. “Are you really going to call this time?” He asked as he brought his lips closer to hers.
“Yes…” She tried to push his chest away as he closed his eyes, signalling that she no longer wanted his affection. But as he kept on his path, unwavered by her restraint, she turned her face, stopping him from kissing her lips, landing on her cheek instead.
He allowed her to slip past him as he inched away. “Bye Mari.” He said as he stuffed his hands in his pockets again, watching her as she walked away. He eyed the curve of her cheeks, praying the wind would blow upwards to reveal them to him.
Marian took deep breaths, attempting to understand his intensity as she savoured her freedom. She felt her hands shaking and clutched her bag tighter. She looked behind herself to be sure Robbie wasn't still following her. He seemed overly passionate, not having any qualms touching her so soon. She pushed away her discomfort, assuring herself that he was only being friendly the way he knew how. But how could she stop the uneasiness in her belly?
Entering the parking garage, she saw Eun taking long drags as he leaned against the car, his focus aimed on the ground by his sneakers. She stopped herself from becoming excited, holes filling her chest where her happiness should have been. She had imagined things would be different after they slept together. That he would suddenly see that she was worth the effort it took to be with her, that he could trust her with anything as a close friend, and as a lover. But it had done nothing but push them further apart, still tension between them that attracted combustion.
He put his cigarette out as she came over, seeing her gripping her phone in her hands. “Why didn’t you answer when I called you?”
She felt him watching her as she shifted her weight, looking down at the ground. “I was with a friend.” Even though she knew Eun would berate her for her actions, she felt safer in his presence.
“Don’t you think you could have told me that instead of ignoring my efforts to contact you?” He tried to look her in her eyes as she seemed to be avoiding his glare. Why couldn’t she understand that no communication led to accidents that could be avoided? Didn’t she care if they worried?
She looked up at him as his voice began to raise. She felt her chest tightening. Understanding where she had been at fault, it didn’t change her state of mind. “Can you yell at me later? I just want to go home.” She felt her eyes welling up. She felt uncomfortable. Like multiple people were fighting for control of her affections that she couldn’t give.
Eun stood up straighter, eyeing her as she looked as if she was about to cry. He began to recognize her signs of distress as she struggled to look at him, nervously moving in front of him as she held her bag to her chest. “Did something happen?”
She heard his voice lower as he got closer, fighting to look into her face. “No… don’t- don’t make a big deal out of it please? Let's just go.” She moved from his hands, not wanting him to over react if she confided in him. If he comforted her anymore she would fall apart.
He stopped himself from asking another question, letting her get in the car as he thought to himself. He was sorry that she could no longer confide in him, missing the moments where she would tell him every feeling that came to mind, no matter how embarrassing the subject.
Like the nights that she had called him in tears, unable to turn to her brother while he was deployed. He felt the phantom tears on his shoulder as she had cried through the night, unable to sleep from the turmoil ransacking her body. Holding her innocently as they rested on the couch together, her sobs the only noise through the silent house as she mourned. But things were different now. He had made them that way, and try as he might, he couldn’t take it back.

To be continued...